King Hope And His Snow Queen
by PinkRaichu
Summary: Snow confesses his feelings to Hope... at a strip club? Then, after they have become a couple, they go grocery shopping together! Comedy/Parody. Snow x Hope. (Right now this story is on hiatus. I want to focus on my more serious stories. But I might come back for more laughs later).
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

_This is a silly that story takes place after the events of Lightning Returns. However, it is in an alternate universe, where the characters have stayed in their original world. Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer**\- I do not own the rights to Square Enix's Final Fantasy XIII franchise.

* * *

Hope grasped the makeshift letter in his small hands, his eyes scanning over the puzzling proposal. Why had Snow asked to meet him alone- and in a strip club of all places? Hope, who had just recently gotten his emotions back, was not sure what to make of this unexpected invitation. After trying to assess the situation with all of his new indefinite feelings, Hope decided to go through with the meeting, but also decided to bring some backup- okay, A LOT of backup. In other words, Lightning, Fang, Vanille, Sazh, Dajh, Serah and Noel- who were all just as worried as Hope was.

As he approached the front of the building, Hope tried to find his "courage." He thought back to his past, where he had exhibited much bravery and faced many daunting opponents, such as trained soldiers or vile beasts. But in all honesty, Snow was much scarier and far more unpredictable than any of those. As he pushed through the ornate doors, the others slipped inside, attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible- not that it really mattered considering how oblivious Snow could be. Even so, they decided to hide themselves behind a bar near the entrance of the club's main room, and poked their noses out over the bar top as they watched Hope walk hesitantly forward. He entered the middle of the empty hall, his footsteps reverberating off the myriad strip poles, which sent the echoing sound and his apprehensions shaking upward toward the raised ceiling overhead.

"Ummm…." Hope began, timidly gripping his hands together.

"Hooooooooooooope…"

It was Snow's voice- singsong, taunting… seductive?

Hope looked up.

Snow. Sliding down one of the tall strip poles, his eyes fixated on Hope as he promptly hurtledtoward him. "Hoooooooooooooope," he repeated, his bulky boots slamming against the tiled floor, its shock almost knocking Hope to his knees. "My loooooooooooooove," Snow cooed, holding his gloved hand out to Hope.

"What are you doing?" Hope asked, clutching his hands together even tighter and playing with his fingers. Without answering, Snow began singing again and, to everyone's horror, dancing on the strip pole. He twirled around it, one leg bent to the side, one finger pointing at Hope as he worked his way around the pole.

"My loooooooooooove…"

Mimicking a typical stripper, Snow slid down the pole and rose back up again, twerking. Hope stood stationary, unable to take his eyes off Snow, unable to process or define what was going on in front of him.

The others had much more pronounced reactions-

Gagging, Lightning facepalmed herself while Fang smirked, and, squeezing Lightning's hand, teased, "You like what you see, love?" Jumping up and down, Vanille squealed, "Great performance!" as she giggled and frantically clapped her hands together with unabashed enthusiasm. Sazh was not as amused; he turned away in embarrassment and made sure to cover Dajh's eyes who (thank Etro) had no idea what was going on. Holding her face in her hands and whispering into her palms, Serah mumbled, "I always knew he was gay… I'm so glad we decided not to get married." Noel, on the other hand, could barely contain himself, fighting the urge to both punch Snow in the face and run into his arms at the same time.

Before they could imagine the scene becoming any more ridiculous, something entered behind Snow (who was still attempting to dance sexually). It was a group of Anubys,arranging themselves into a single file line. They had lank legs, disheartening stature, yellow eyes, and… top hats and canes? Kicking their spindly limbs, they started doing a rather well-synchronized can-can routine. Hope's skull could barely contain his large, oval eyes.

"Hooooooooooooooope, my loooooooooooooovvvvvveeeeee…."

"My looooooooooooooooooove," the Anubys echoed, swinging their canes.

Hope analyzed the dancing beasts and the brawny man, who was singing and sauntering in front of him like some kind of Broadway-stripper reject. His voice irresolute, Hope interrupted the charade and asked, "Are you serious right now? What is the point of all this?"

"This is all for you, Hope," Snow replied, pausing and stopping his striptease (much to the relief of the others). "I wanted to make you laugh and ease you into this since you just got your emotions back. I didn't want to overwhelm you."

"Honestly, this whole fiasco is pretty overwhelming," Hope said, tracing his eyes over Snow and his sideshow. "But… overwhelm me with what exactly?"

Snow swallowed, looking uncertain, which was unusual for the boasting warrior. "Well… I always say that heroes never die and… well… neither has my love for you." Hope's pale face turned the color of Vanille's hair, as he truly felt powerful emotion for the first time since he had gotten it back. Seeing his discomfort, Snow went back to his dance. "Hooooooooooope, my looooooooooove. I'll make you feel _all_ kinds of emotion. Youuu caaaannnn be my king, and I'llllllll be your Snooooooow queen." He winked and threw his momentum around the pole, his gloves squeaking against the taut metal. The Anuybus resumed their kickline and Snow copied their movements, kicking his legs and shaking his palms. "Jazz hands!" he yelled.

The courage, the confusion, the incomprehension- all of the emotions he had felt for the first time in centuries- undulated inside Hope. It pored through him, to the ends of his silver hair to the tips of panicky fingers. All at once, the subdued shell that had encased him for so long, like the mighty Cocoon, fell to gravity's weight, crashing down in a sea of dust and crystal. Hope stamped his foot against the floor (although very weakly compared to Snow), and burst out laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Snow halted his salsa and looked at Hope, unsure if the laughter was a good sign or an omen of rejection. The others were just as perplexed: was Hope enjoying himself or had his new emotions combined with Snow's display caused him to completely lose it?

"You made me laugh, alright," Hope said finally, composing himself. His arms fell to his sides where they swayed loosely, all tension gone from his body. "You made me feel laughter, along with many other emotions: embarrassment, shame, pity. You really are a fool." The others let out a collective sigh of relief that made both Hope and Snow glance in their direction. Hope could only see the top of their heads (mostly Sazh's and Dajh's), but he could imagine them whispering. He knew that they were judging Snow, and that they were going to judge his next decision. Hope looked back at Snow who looked as if he lost all of his cockiness and confidence. He stepped down from the strip pole and started lightly hitting his fist against his palm.

"However…" Hope continued. "I am starting to remember how I used to feel all those years ago… And I remember… liking you, having a certain passion toward you." Wide eyes watched from behind the bar, as well as from Snow's anxious face. "Somehow… I think we can make this work." Snow smiled and held out his hand. The entire group's mouths fell open as Hope looked back at them and grinned. He eagerly took Snow's hand. Together, they walked off into an unknown section of the club, the only sign of their presence their distancing shadows of different lengths and height.

Unfazed by Hope and Snow's actions but disappointed that their dance was over, the Anubys shrugged and kick-lined away to wherever they came from, throwing their hats and canes to the floor.

"Didn't see that one coming," Sazh said, rubbing the back of his head. He removed his hand away from Dajh's face, who was the only one unharmed psychologically.

"I know he didn't have any emotions, but he did a damn good job of hiding that side of him," Fang remarked.

"Hope, you bitch! You man stealer!" Noel cried as he ran out of the room, his baggy pants tripping him. No one noticed him his exit except for Serah who chased after him yelling, "At least you have a chance considering he's gay!"

Vanille placed her thumb against her complacent chin. "Ummmm, did they forget about us?" She scanned the room with her hand pressed to her forehead.

"I don't care if they forgot us or not," Lightning answered, unusually unnerved. "My concern is if that really just happened."

The group fell silent, not sure if they should stay or go.

"You know," they heard Hope's voice echo. "I might physically be a teenager, but technically I am now over 1000 years old. I am not just a kid anymore. Who's the bitch now?"

"I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmm."

It was time to go.

In fact, it was time to run.

* * *

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment if you did! :3 -_Rai_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**

_The silliness continues! This is another crazy chapter and takes place a few weeks after the events of the first chapter. Please comment if you liked it, or if it made you_ _laugh!_ _:3_

**Disclaimer-** I do not own the rights to Square Enix's Final Fantasy XIII franchise.

* * *

"My loooooooooove," sang Snow. "You are so delicioussss. I could eat you alllllll daaaaaay."

"Hey, I thought I was your love," Hope protested. He reached up and grabbed the bag of chips out of Snow's hand.

Without answering him, Snow grabbed Hope, pulling him into a kiss. Hope didn't pull away; he didn't care that they were kissing in public, in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Had he always been this aloof, or had losing his emotions made him less concerned about others' opinions?

After a few seconds, Snow released Hope and snatched the bag back, throwing it over his shoulder; it landed further up the aisle with a papery crinkle. "Don't worry, Hope," he said, grabbing a different bag off of the shelf and lifting it high above his head. "Your Snow is right here!" He thrust the bag downward, smashing it against the linoleum floor. The bag burst open, letting out a white cloud of cough-inducing flour that drifted upward and coated Snow's entire body. It masked his face, sticking to his skin and hair, the florescent lights causing his blonde hair to cast a silver glow, almost like Hope's hair. Snow stood firm and smiling, trying to ignore the water forming in his eyes.

"You are so corny," Hope giggled. "And you're making a mess," he added, brushing off the pale dust that had landed on him.

Snow squinted through his powdery eyelashes. "I think I found my favorite snack!" he yelled, running toward Hope. Sweeping low, he caught Hope by the legs and easily hoisted him up into his arms, the leftover flour cascading into the air as puffs of listless fluff. Hope let out a surprised chuckle as Snow yelled, "Let's put this snack in the cart!" He attempted to place Hope in their shopping cart, his arms and legs flailing, knocking over the mountains of food that were already precariously piled into the cart.

"Stop it!" Hope squealed. The two struggled and laughed together until they heard a plop- the sound of grocery bags falling to the floor. Snow and Hope looked up to see Noel standing nearby with tears in his eyes and plastic bags at his feet.

"Noel!" Fang appeared behind him with more bags of food in her arms. Her eyes widened, and something between a look of pity and a smirk appeared on her face. "Oh no," she said. "3… 2… 1…"

"HOPE! You bitch!" Noel yelled, sprinting past Snow and Hope, kicking his sullied food across the floor. Letting Hope down, Snow turned to watch Noel disappear and yelled after him, "You really have to stop doing this, Aladdin Boy!"

"You man stealer!" they heard several aisles away.

Snow sighed and turned toward Fang who was trying to hide her laughter. "If you are here," Snow said. "That means…"

_Tap tap_. Both Hope and Snow saw the rigid silhouette approaching. Despite the many grocery bags in her arms, the plastic did not seem to crinkle at all, as if silenced by her unyielding solidarity. The only sound heard was her boots clacking rhythmically against the tile. At the sight of them, the wine bottle in her hand broke, her fingers shattering the glass under their tension. "What are you doing here?" Lightning asked.

"The same thing as you. Getting food for our new apartment," Snow replied. He tried to hide his wavering voice, not wanting to show weakness in front of Hope, or in front of Lightning (who would destroy him at the slightest sign of hesitation).

For some reason, Lightning did not accept Snow and Hope's relationship. Everyone knew that she wasn't very fond of Snow because of his cockiness, but she had also turned slightly sour toward Hope. Was she upset that he had not told her about his feelings for Snow? Or maybe it was because he had abandoned her at the strip club a few weeks earlier? _It's probably the second one_, Hope thought to himself, squeezing his fingers.

Lightning did not answer Hope's questions; she stood there, silent, brooding, the wine dripping down her fingers onto her boots and the floor. She seemed to take no notice of the glass that was still clenched in her fist.

"Come on, love." Fang stepped in front of Lightning, breaking her sub-zero stare. "Let's get you cleaned up." Using her blue sash, she started to wipe away the wine. Lightning brushed Fang aside, who then whispered: "Come on, sunshine, they aren't doing anything wrong. They are just getting some food like we are. No harm done."

Snow, overhearing this, intervened: "Yeah, no harm done. Come and join us, _sunshine_."

Unable to resist Fang, Lightning ignored Snow's irritatingly blunt demeanor and reluctantly agreed. "As long as you don't sing."

Hope seemed to relax at this; he stopped playing with his hands and placed them on the cart. Snow smiled and beckoned Fang and Lightning forward. He walked back to Hope, who was having trouble moving the cart, its content stacked higher than his head. Snow nudged Hope aside and starting pushing it, Fang and Lightning following. An awkward, tense silence encased them, most of it emanating from Lighting.

"My loooooooooooove," Snow's voice rang out.

"I said no singing!"

"That wasn't me!" Snow protested.

"Oh, sorry," Hope said, blushing. "That was my ringtone."

Lightning glared at him.

"What?" Hope said, still embarrassed. "It was Vanille sending me a picture of a cute sheep…"

"My looooooooooove…"

The glare intensified.

"And that was Serah sending me a picture of Vanille hugging the sheep…" He quickly silenced his phone and stuck it in his back pocket.

"What's the matter, sis?" Snow said as he put his arm around Lightning's shoulder. "Is my singing that bad?"

"Yes! And I am not your sister!" She swatted Snow away.

"What is with you?" Snow interjected.

"Come on," Fang whispered to Hope. "Let's go on ahead and give them some space." Hope gladly obliged and the two of them starting walking ahead.

Lightning remained still at first, waiting for Hope and Fang to be a reasonable distance away. But then Snow heard her gloves squeaking as she tightened her fist. She shot around and yelled, "Why are you acting like this? Like a goddamn idiot?" She thrust her finger into his face. "And when did you become so freaking flamboyant?"

"Remember that bandana I used to wear? It kept all of my fabulousness contained. But when I took it off and let my hair grow, my flamboyancy grew with it. '_Girl, put your recordssss ooonnn. Play me your favorite sooooong. You go ahead, let your hairrrr dooowwwnnnnn_.'"

Lightning took her wine-stained hand and grabbed Snow by the collar, pushing him against the grocery shelves. "What are you playing at? Why are you acting like this? Is it some kind of ploy to win over Hope?"

"I…"

"You better not do anything to hurt him. He is like a little brother to me. I don't want you breaking his heart like you did with my sister." She gripped his collar tighter, pressing him harder against the shelves that dug into his back. "Or have you just completely lost it?"

"No." He winked.

"I don't know why I even bother with you. You are nothing but a fool."

"I… I think… I was an even bigger fool back then… Back when I tried to save everyone." Despite his stiff collar and the pain in his back, Snow managed to turn his head just enough to look toward Hope who was further up the aisle looking concerned, Fang holding him back. "With his emotions gone, he didn't smile for so long. I am trying to make up for all the time he lost. I want to make him smile and laugh… so that way… I can really be someone's hero."

Lightning flinched. Loosening her grip on Snow, she said, "Snow, that's…" She took a step backward, not noticing the lone bag of chips that Snow had thrown earlier. Her foot landed on it with a _POP_ and the unexpected jolt caused her to fall backward, her cape catching on the shelf. Lightning, Snow, shelf, and all came tumbling down. Snow landed on top of Lightning, the shelf crashing against his back, its food showering down upon him, Lightning, and the white tile.

The tremendous crash attracted the store manager who saw the disaster and yelled, "Hey! Look at this mess! There's flour, chips, wine, and glass all over the floor! And a whole shelf is destroyed! I am going to hold you accountable for this!"

"Snow…" Lightning mumbled, pushing him off of her.

"Yes, Lightning?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Hope!" Snow sprang to his feet and started running toward Hope, who looked shocked with laughter. "Make a run for it! And don't forget to grab another bag of those delicious chips!"

Hope started to sprint and called back, "Only if you admit that I am more delicious than they are!"

"Hoooooooooope…" Snow began.

"You guys better stop fooling and get moving!" yelled Fang, who was also running now because she was equally as afraid of Lightning. "She means business right now, and there's no stopping her. I would know!"

"Youuuu arrrrreeeee sooooooo…"

"I SAID NO SINGING!"

"HEY! YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE!" screamed the store manager. "WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS?"

"Ummmm…" said Sazh, who had just arrived at the grocery store.

He watched as the group ran past him: Hope, Snow, and Fang tripping and laughing, and Lightning sprinting with her gun- blade drawn.

He scratched his head. "Did I miss something?"


	3. Chapter 3

**_Author's Note_**

_Hello everyone! I apologize for the extremely long wait for this chapter. I had grad school, work, and student teaching preventing me from working on my writing. This chapter takes places a few weeks after the events of Chapter 2. Just so you know, it references the Disney movie Aladdin if you are not familiar with it. Thank you for reading this far; I really appreciate it. Enjoy and please comment! :3_

* * *

"My loooooooooooovvvvvveeee…"

Hope heard the sound of a door slam behind him as he typed away at the Ark's computer terminal.

"You are sooooooooo…"

"Annoying."

He swiveled on his chair and turned to see a stone-still figure. "Hi Light," he said.

She didn't answer right away, aggravated by his mocking tone. "Now you're singing that stupid song," she said finally, shifting on her feet.

"Yesssssssss," he sang.

Lightning rolled her eyes. "He's rubbing off on you."

"Ewww?" Hope giggled, a Snow-like smile on his face.

"This is exactly what I am talking about," Lightning said, exasperated. She crossed and then uncrossed her arms.

"I am just joking, Light," Hope answered meekly, looking down at his fingers.

"No more fooling around. I came here to track down that Behemoth that is causing trouble." She placed her equipment down, a blunt, metallic sound echoing off into the emptiness of the Ark.

Hope examined Light, placing his hand underneath his chin.

"What?" she said, trying not to grit her teeth.

"Snow is right, Light."

"Excuse me?"

"You are too serious and can't take a joke."

She didn't reply, her already rigid posture becoming even stiffer. _She can't deny it_, thought Hope.

"And he said you were… what's the word? A _tsundere_, was it?"

This did extract a response from Lighting. Slamming her fist down on the terminal, she whispered, "…I am not."

_A response expected from a typical tsundere._ "You were doing better after everything that has happened over the years, but you seem to have reverted back." Hope smiled again.

"Stop smiling like that! Like _him_! I can't stand it!" She saw Hope's grin disappear, but she continued. "At least I _can_ take matters seriously, unlike him who is always reckless and running off without thinking, trying to play the…" She looked at Hope. "Hero…"

Hope didn't reply. He rotated in his chair, picking up speed as he played with his fingers. When he finally stopped, his back was to Lightning. "Do you…" He turned toward her. "Do you really hate him that much?"

For once in her life, Lightning stuttered. "N-no… it's just…"

"At the supermarket a few weeks ago, Snow told me that he spoke with you and that he got through to you… I thought that maybe you would accept us now…"

Lightning sighed. "We did talk, but that is the problem, Snow is _all_ talk… I am not sure if I can believe him."

"So… you don't trust him?"

"How can I? He is rash and irresponsible… and he hurt my sister." She looked away from Hope. "And…" She quickly glanced at him. "I don't want the same to happen to you."

"I understand that and I appreciate the concern, but I can take care of myself. I mean, I am _how_ old now?"

Lightning laughed. "I don't even know anymore, but you certainly act older than _him_. And you _have_ grown up a lot since you were bloodthirsty and wanted to kill him."

"Ugh, don't remind me." He laughed. "But Snow has grown up a lot himself. He learned from the whole Serah thing and he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes." Lightning regarded him coldly. "I know he is far from perfect, but don't I seem happier now that I am with him? And you know, not trying to murder him?"

A glimpse of Hope came into her mind._ A vengeful Hope… A lonely Hope… An emotionless Hope… A vibrant, smiling Hope… _

_That new grin of his boils my blood…. But…_

She sighed. "You seem more flamboyant. And irritating." Hope frowned. "But yes, I suppose, you seem happier." Color came back to his pale face. "I guess you can be with him… just no singing."

He chuckled. "I can't promise that for Snow, but I will try."

"And that includes your phone."

He laughed again.

"I mean it. Shut if off."

He did. Quickly.

"And try to keep the jokes to a minimum. I can handle only so much of his humor." She gave Hope an awkward pat on the back to show her approval. "Now let's focus on finding that Behemoth." She leaned over him and began clicking random things on the computer screen.

"Ummm Light, please give me the mouse…"

"Where is the tracking system?"

"No- DON'T CLICK THAT!"

"What? Why?"

She saw instantly why.

The screen was flooded with… very… _interesting_ pictures of Snow doing all kinds of poses in various different outfits.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Lightning yelled.

"…Research?"

"WHAT IS HE DOING WITH YOUR BOOMERANG?"

"Umm, well I, umm-"

"AND ARE THOSE MY BOOTS?"

"I can explain!"

"I don't want to hear it! And just when I was going to accept you two!" She began storming off, her enraged pace giving true meaning to her name.

"My looooooooove…"

She halted and glared at Hope, thunder behind her angry eyes. "WHAT did I just say about singing?"

"It wasn't me!"

The glare intensified.

"Or my phone!"

"Is he here?"

"Who, Snow? No, he isn't."

"Then who?"

"My looooooooooooooove…." It reverberated again.

"It sounds like it is coming from the entrance."

Lightning approached the door, weapon in hand.

"Snow?" she called. "Is that you?" Her grip tightened.

"Light, don't kill them please! Whoever it is, don't kill them," Hope begged.

"I can't guarantee that."

"My loooooooooooooove," the voice answered. "Your Aladdin Boy is here!"

"Aladdin Boy?" Lightning and Hope said simultaneously, exchanging confused glances.

Lightning, slowly, apprehensively, opened the door-

And in burst Noel, dressed fully in Arabian clothing, a turban on his head and his pants baggier than ever.

And that wasn't all.

He was riding a magic carpet.

It glided into the Ark, right over Lightning's head. "My looooooooove," Noel sang. "Snoooooow, where are yooooou?" He continued to fly, circling around Lightning who was resisting the urge to stab him. "Come with me, Snow! Be my Jasmine! I can show you the world…"

Hope stood motionless, unable to fathom the ridiculous sight in front of him. When he came to his senses, he shouted, "Hey! What do you think you are doing? Stop trying to steal my boyfriend!" He ran toward Noel, attempting to grab the magic carpet. His fingers brushed the tips of the tassels, but to no avail. He was too short. He desperately chased the carpet around the room, jumping and trying to seize the tassels again.

"Honey, I am home!"

Lightning turned toward the door.

Snow had suddenly appeared.

And Noel wasn't the only one who had come dressed up. Snow was wearing Lightning's Guardian Crops uniform, down to every last detail, including her cape and the satchel on her leg. To make it worse, the uniform barely fit him, his broad shoulders stretching the white material.

"Oh um, hi Lightning." He looked down at his apparel. "Um, I can explain…"

Behind them, Hope had managed to grab onto the flying carpet and climb onto it, snatching Noel's hair and biting into his scalp.

"HOPE, YOU BITCH!"

Lightning watched them for a moment and then turned toward Snow, strangely calm. "I don't care. You are all idiots…" she said, walking out the door. "I hope the Behemoth gets all of you…"

Snow watched her leave. When he noticed that the ruckus behind him had stopped, he looked back toward Hope and Noel to see them passed out on the ground, the carpet still flying on its own in the background.

"Umm…" He adjusted his uniform. "Did I miss something?"


End file.
